Hey...Where Did I Go?

(Just found the draft of this post that was written in 2013...thought I'd go ahead and post, even though it's nearly 3 years old.)

Each day I spend in my new town (Daphne, AL), I grow further and further away from my past. Well, "duh" you might say…but there's something different about this kind of distance. We all grow away from our past, in the literal sense, but it doesn't mean we change or transform. We just move forward into the future, chronologically. Now that I’m spending the majority of my time happily solo with my new life unfolding ever more each day, I realize that in changing from my recent past, I'm actually coming back to the best parts of the real me. 

After my divorce, like many newly single people, I turned over a new leaf & redefined myself. I was 39 and single and decided that, "No" was no longer a part of my vocabulary, that pink was my favorite color (hated it until that point), and discovered that when clothes fit right and were sexy, they could be fun to wear! This time in my life was very transformative.  I was in the space that was all about me, all of the time. If I wanted to move to a new home or town or country, or change jobs...I no longer had to consult with anyone! If I wanted to buy a convertible BMW, I could in a snap (and I did)! If I wanted to jet off to Bali for Winter Break...then I did just that. This freedom to be me 24/7 was incredible. I know that during those few years, I changed a lot and dated tons of guys for the first time in my life. All of it was fun, enjoyable, powerful and exactly what I needed at that time. 

At Gili Trawangan in the Gili Islands, off of Bali.

But this life of being a player finally began to dwindle and change, as all things do. (The only thing that stays the same, is change.) I started becoming tired of meaningless dates. I grew weary of the superficial dating life, of unintelligent but hot guys, of the power trips that came with getting any man in the bar that I wanted. I began to wonder if anyone would actually want me as a real girlfriend...an independent, successful woman actually gets less play. As the doubt began to rise in my mind, it made me vulnerable. And, inevitably THAT'S when I met that person that seemed head and shoulders above the rest. And even though I had some HUGE red flags going up all around me, I was so in need of what this new person was offering & saying to me. So, I ignored the red flags and dove in head first, lapping up the much needed attention being relentlessly poured upon me. And while I was wrapped up in the relationship that became serious much faster than was comfortable for me, it was hard to really see that I was losing my foundational self. Maybe that's just another sign that this person wasn't the right match for me. But, again, I ignored all signs. At one point, I was so deep into the relationship (he desperately wanted to marry me) that I felt too guilty to walk away and get back to me. The further away I got from me, the more isolated and discontented I felt. And I'm not saying it was my boyfriend that did anything to me (he was just being him), it's just how I related to him. His energy wrapped heavily around me and I allowed him to encompass me to the point of feeling suffocated and trapped (which is unusual for me). 

When you allow yourself to be drawn into a relationship that doesn't serve you, you begin to make subtle changes that can take you away from the true essence that is you. And there you are one day....far, far away from the foundation of you"ness" that you loved and that brought harmony to your soul.

Now, he and I are no longer together, and I am back to being just me. I have no more relationship expectations upon me, nor me putting any relationship expectations upon anyone else,  I am realizing just how much of me I had let go. The simple things that fed my soul and made me feel really good (traveling, night with the girls, time alone). I've missed those things! Talking a walk each morning or in the evening. Hopping up to do my yoga home practice at any time of the day. Eating my "crazy" healthy foods without worrying if anyone else is satisfied. Eating dinner at whatever time I want. Waking up late or early.  Putting on peaceful music rather than the blaring TV. Finding myself smiling for no reason other than because from my toes through the top of my head....I am feeling inner-peace and all is well.

Finding myself again is like returning to a long lost soul-mate. This reunion of self is a reminder to not ever let the soulful parts of me go again, no matter who I'm with. And for that matter, to unite with a partner that nourishes and supports my soul, not removes me from it (accidentally or on purpose). I need to remember to continue feeding my soul, even if my significant other doesn't understand it or would rather have me spend more time focused on him. I'm no good to anyone else, if I'm not first good to myself.

In 2011, when I was feeling extremely suffocated by that ex boyfriend, the documentary about Amelia Earhart came on TV. I remember one of her quotes on agreeing to get married really resonated with me. So much so that I had to write it down in my quote book, in order to keep it with me forever. "I may have to keep some place where I can go to be myself now and then, for I can not guarantee to endure all of the confinements of even an attractive cage." Amelia Earhart. 

by Brooke Nisbet

RYT

Yoga Teacher | Life Liver | Peace Seeker